I have to say, that it has been in the last few weeks that I have been progressively more depressed. I am trying really hard to look at the good side and be happy, but it just is not working.

It isn't that I am being left out.. of all my groups of friends. This has aways happened. I follow around like a puppy, cause I need love and affection and I feel that I don't belong.

It is times like these when I ask myself why do I need friends? Why do I torture myself with this. Then I realize that this is the way it has alway been. I am not some great leader... No I am a follower... always have always will.

That isn't even the best part. The best part is that I am making myself unhappy, liking a guy that will never like me. Again I am use to this, but it is making me sick. I want to be set free, but I can break from the bonds that hold me.

I might be this dark violent person, but people fail to realize that it is me protecting myself. Hurt you before you hurt me. I learned the hard way that taking my own pain out on myself is not good, taking it out on others is worst. I have tried to be good and people think it is weird.

This is the first emo post in a while. But it needs to be done. The people I actually want to read this won't. TO those who do I love you very much and you make me feel wanted.

I wonder If I spend a day in silence or a day not looking at anyone or just ignore life on the outside. Will people realize that this puppy doesn't want to be that anymore. 16 years of being the tag along is enough. I am my own person and I am tried.

Current Mood: being the unneeded tag-along

So over the summer I found out one of the guys I went to high school and middle school with got signed to the Germany soccer team.

This guy was amazing, very nice and really funny. SAL ZIZZO... So i decided that I would see what kind of information I could find. And guess what, he has his own Wiki site. You all should check it out.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sal_Zizzo

Because of testing during middle school he and I had to sit next to each other, cause of our names. Anyway I had bad allergies so I was just miserable... Him being a boy told me to stop breathing cause I was making too much noise for him.

In high school it was better when we shared classes. I miss those days. I miss some of the high school people I bonded with, but never really got to know.

Anyway I had to say something.

So there was a reggae band at Folk and Blue, which when I saw them was so glad I got dragged out. However they were not as great as I thought they would be, no Alpha Blondie. They played some good songs (3) but than it was "you guys like folk so we will play what you guys like" I was very sad. Why bring in a black reggae band when many of the campus people have no idea of true reggae? Bob Marley does not count!

I know this makes me a bad person, but I was very upset. I love reggae, the funny thing is that my mother is the one who likes it. For those that don't know my family history, mother's white and father's black. They both have their own tastes, mom is a hard rocker, with reggae tastes. Dad is a motown man. I know music and harmony because of them. I know old songs cause they were the generation of 60s and 70s. So when I saw this band I saw hope for Beloit. Only I was disappointed.

It didn't help that I was not feeling well, acted more of a bitch then normal. Sorry, I guess it is a reflex to feeling vulnerable. I am just a wounded kitty that will kill to stay safe.

Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Train

I don't understand.... I know things happen and that people change and grow apart, but in a matter of weeks and months and days does it really happen so fast? Have I changed? Is it me that is the problem that I am the one that should revert back to my old self that everyone saw?

Who am I really? Why can't I cry again? Why is it that I am too confused with where I am going in life that it all looks like I might lose the war I fight.

How depressing is all of this. Little old me crying out to the world to pay notice. I am still this high school drama queen. Starve for attention that I will never get.

be confident... of what? WHat do I have to offer? funny how that is the true question. We all have something right? We are all in this web of being, right? So what is my place, what is my rank?

Why can't I just grow up and go back to being sane.

Current Mood: contemplative

It is rather funny. I could hold that persona that is Angela Davis, or even Foxy Brown. I can be that woman, but at the same time I am too timid to do anything. I am too scared to ruin the relationship I have.

Rocky Horror was amazing. I dress every sluttish and everyone keep telling me how hot i was, I had to work for it mind you. My hair was also picked, has been since Thursday, but the fro and the hooker clothes and the three inch high heels I looked like a seventies black woman. But I could not tap into her spirit. She was as dead to me as my muse on a bad day. But I was able to get her out, if only by a little, cause she was that voice that said to go sit on ______________'s lap, which the timid voice replied no are you kidding me. Morgan and Travis were in with her on it too. I would have done it too if ___________ had not left early.

Other then that, tonight is going to be horror movies and grand happiness.

Current Mood: longing for _________

I don't understand. Why can't I flip out about the "little things", I am not allowed to care about things that mean nothing to others. I have what I hold important and maybe to other people it was not. i hold things that mean every little very close. It is the little things that make me happy. That the joy I get to feel when i look upon something that screams me. That is me. That takes a piece of my being and becomes one with me.

No I can not. I can't have a moment of complete breakdown. I was allowed that for the big things, but not the little. SOmethings it is the little that are the most important. The things that are part of who you once were and can be seen by the age of an idem.

There are things that can not be replaced and there are things that will never be again, and if I give up hope and I let myself be talked down, then I have nothing that is truly mine. If I allow people, and I guess this is one of those times, to make me see red and anger me and cause my walls to crumble and fall, then what kind of person am I? I am not that strong person, I am not that being that held her pride in the little things. No I am that same simple person who sees the object as replaceable and not important. That is not who I want to be.

I lkie titles that have maybe nothing to do with what I am saying. It gives people a misconspeption sbout who they think I am.

So Alumi Weekend was this weekend, that meaning I have to cater. I did four shifts it was grand. Anyway, most of it was easy and i was able to get through it. Running around campus setting things up was not fun, but had to be done. Meeting new people and bonding with ones I already knew. Talking with Alumi and having a gay old time. That was until 6pm tonight hit. We had dishes piled to the sky and no one to do them. Peter said to start working at them so the new girl (who really should not have been cause she had no idea what she was doing) and I got to work. Then Peter tells us to chill and that he had a guy coming and that everything will be good. So I go and see is phyllis needed me. about 15 minutes later, Peter tells us that his guy is not coming so we have no one to do dishes. So I volunteer knowing that the others are all caterer and don't know how to do dishes, or they are already working on a job.so there I am doing dishes.

I was pissed I don't like doing catering dishes cause I know what happens. So i am fuming and the new girl is just in my way, so that pisses me off more. So I then just start going off on people, but in a don't stress me out, cause I am already working and trying to get this shit done before the rush comes... so don't get in my way.

So We are almost done, well that is a lie cause when u think u might be done you never are. So peter is leaving cause his little girl is sick and then the dish washer breaks. No a happy camper. Then i have to watch all the happy people dance and i see no one I want to talk to or would care about my crappy ass day, plus I looked like shit so I was in a even worst mood. Once I did finish I was ready for the day to be saved. hang out with cool people and see the stars. But no one answers their phones and I have no one to hang with. SO this bitchy mood I am in is becoming a storm. I just want today to be over, or to be a different person

So try as I might things just don't work out for me. i guess I have to say this first. I am sorry to everyone I ever hurt. I am sorry that you had to be around me. That you witnessed my insensitivity to your need and my own. I am sorry that I have not changed. That if you still know me that you should abandon me cause I am not worthy of such. And I know many of you out there will say that I do. Some will say that I need not be full of angst. others will be confused. for most of you, don;t say I am worthy cause how can you know? how do you know that I am not a bad person. Rotten to the core and angsty as all get up. Please understand what I am trying to say. I do not know myself. may never will so how can anyone else. How can people look at me and see this one person, but then behind closed doors alone or will another i am the backstabber. I know many humans do it, but I am not just a human. I am your friend and you all care for me. when to me it is a struggle to find a place to claim you. I know a lot of this makes no sense and I expect it not to. all you need to know is that I am sorry.

And that I am alive... and will be until I am 125

Current Mood: The villian in life

So the rain is falling here at Beloit. And somehow I am glad. I love the rain the the good memories it brings me. Even the ones that leave me bitter still bring me joy. I feel a little upset that I never got to see some people, and I feel that it was not in my power to bring them forth. If that makes any sense at all. There is also the fact that there is a new tradition that I have. go see a black movie with Liz. First it was Hustle and flow. Howard is one sexy man. Then it was idelwild, again Howard and Andre 3000 are meow.

Other then that I have joy to be home, no fooling and all good happy feelings.

I was meant to be in Diego

You Belong in San Diego

Laid back and friendly, you were meant to live most of your life on the beach. You usually think everything is "all good"... except when the weather dips under 60F. You stay classy - especially when you're in Tijuana!